My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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