So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
