She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
