3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just cropdusted the office
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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