I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
