Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
