When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
