You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Randomize
