apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
