dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
