kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
