so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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