Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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