So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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