i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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