Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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