I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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