I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
