she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Your penis caused this!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
