you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
