So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
