Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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