I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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