If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize