ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
