I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
