I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
