She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
