Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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