thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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