mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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