I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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