Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize