The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
