is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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