No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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