I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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