Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
