Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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