i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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