This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
