sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
