you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
