Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I supernannyed him into submission
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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