Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
