my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Congratulations! We have a period
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