Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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