I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
