So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
