2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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