I wish my penis had an off switch
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
cat food counts as protein by the way
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
