I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
