I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
