I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
