And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
