i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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