Welp...herpes.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Randomize
